


(glimpses of) the sorrow your heart holds

by echosofalullaby



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Liam/Louis can be platonic or not, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 20:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/echosofalullaby/pseuds/echosofalullaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis can’t admit he’s broken and liam sees more than louis realizes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(glimpses of) the sorrow your heart holds

**Author's Note:**

> set the night of madison square garden, post after-party. the source of louis' anger isn't explicitly stated so know it is aimed at a certain popstar who made her first appearance during the recent new york trip.
> 
> warnings: mild physical violence, mention of past infidelity

It had been twenty minutes since Louis had asked Liam to come to his room. He had barely made it across the threshold before Louis went off. Louis was known for his distaste for half the people he met but this was on another level. Most of the time he wasn’t even coherent. Thoughts strung together into incomplete sentences. Liam didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the rage. 

He had tried to get Louis under his arm and onto the bed but he had shrugged Liam off in favor of staggering back towards the minibar in the corner of his room. Liam took care of people, that's what he did, but he was at a loss. He watched silently as Louis stormed around the room, his anger magnifying the boy's inability to sit still. 

It eventually fell quiet. Louis had ended up right where Liam attempted to set him ten minutes earlier, the edge of the bed. Liam decided it was best to keep his distance for now. Louis was unpredictable enough without four of the mini vodkas in his system on top of whatever else he consumed at the after party. 

"Louis, where's El?"

Louis glowered at him from across the room. "After all of that you are asking me where Eleanor is?"

Liam sighed, rubbing his hands to his forehead. "I don't know what else to say. I don't know what you want me here for. So yeah, where's Eleanor?"

"I don't know, okay? She got mad. She left. Who gives a fuck?" 

"I thought you did." Louis didn't answer. Liam tried again. "Why do you want me here right now? Want to you want me to say?

"Do I always have to spell everything out for everyone in this stupid band?"

Louis was a mean drunk. Liam hated it. He hated the smell of alcohol on him. He hated the words he spewed with such brutality. He hated the way Louis' whole face changed, and most of all, he hated that he had to see that face more and more these days, even when Louis wasn't completely wasted. 

"Just one more time Louis, spell it out for me this time and I won't ask again."

"Okay, fine! I want you to tell me to fuck it. to fuck everything. Eleanor, Harry, Taylor fucking Swift, Madison Square Garden, this band, this life, everything! I want you to get pissed off your ass with me and make me forget all the prices I've paid over the last two years! I want you to take me out of this hotel and into this merciless, cold city so I can get lost. I want you, Liam Payne, to tell me to fuck off into the night and leave all this behind."

Somewhere along the line, Liam felt his heart break for Louis. He would like to think the original break happen right then, during Louis monologue, but deep down Liam knows he’s been breaking for Louis for quite some time now. 

"Oh Lou…" he breathes sadly. 

"God fucking dammit, Liam! I just sat here and told you exactly what to say and you still can't manage it!

"That's not what you want. I know you, Louis. You think you put up all of these walls to keep everyone from really seeing you, but you don't, not really. I know that's not what you what. You want him, Louis. And you can't even admit it to yourself."

A nasty smile spread across Louis lips. "Well, well, well, isn't little Liam just the all knowing Lord tonight. He knows all about what and who I want. Let me tell you something, you don't know a thing about me, Liam."

It hurt; it hurt Liam more than he'd like to admit to hear Louis talking to him like this. But he knew that he couldn't let it show. Right now he had to the responsible one, the sensible one, the collected one. He tried to pull himself together, but knew he couldn't completely cover the sadness that had crashed over him. Liam looked back at the broken boy on the edge of the bed. "He deserves to be happy, Lou"

Louis snapped quickly, "Can you just shut up? I needed unreasonable Liam right now, not perfect fucking saint Payne."

"I'm trying to help."

"Whatever."

Liam paused. He knew he shouldn’t say it. But the truth had gnawed away at him for months and before he could stop himself…

"I know the only way you like me is when I fit to your crazy mold. But underneath this person you’ve made me, I’m still the same. You can't knock that out of me, Louis.” He got quieter, dropping his voice a level as if maybe if the statement was inaudible, it wouldn't be true. “And I…I know you only want me because you can't have him."

Louis looked murderous. "Well you know what? You're right. That is how I like you. I don't need someone with a sweet look in his eyes tell me I’m being unreasonable.” 

Liam knew why he said that. It had been Harry’s job. 

Louis slowly rose from the bed. "And you're right again, Liam. You're not him and you won't ever be, so will you just leave me alone!"

"You're a real fucking prick, you know that?" It slipped out before Liam realized what he was saying.

"Oh yeah? Is that so? Funny, cause I'm not the one who cheated on my girlfriend and then broke it off without telling her the real reason only to get back with her and still live in a lie!" 

Liam stood frozen for a second. It was incredibly low, despite Louis being drunk. Even when Louis was too fucked up to see straight, he usually stayed away from the things that actually left scars. 

"Louis Tomlinson talking about living a lie. I wish I could say it’s almost funny, but it’s not, it’s actually really fucking sad.” 

Liam didn’t want to leave scars though, Louis already had enough of those. “I'm done, Louis. Don't drink too much, because I won't be here to hold your hair when you're finally so full of vileness your body can't take it anymore." 

"You're just going to walk out after I said all that? Oh come on, Liam, you're better than that." Louis was approaching fast now. "Stand up, for yourself! You don't like what I've made you into? Show me. Show me how much you hate me right now, Liam!" Louis’ palms connected with Liam's chest, shoving him back towards the door. 

"Are you scared? Are you a coward?" he shoves Liam again. "Come on Liam, didn't you learn to fight to stand up to the bullies? Where's that fight now? Scared little Liam on the playground can't even stand up to his own best mate." 

Suddenly, Liam's fist connects with Louis mouth. Louis looks so surprised he even takes a step back. 

And then he starts laughing. 

"That's right, Liam! Fight me. Show me what a fucking prick I am!" Louis goes to punch Liam, but Liam is too fast, grabbing his hand, and pushing him away. 

Regret is already bubbling in Liam's stomach for the first swing. "No, Louis, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – "

"But I need you to show me how bad I am. Show me how much you hate me, show me how horrible I am. Show me how I don't deserve any of this. Just do it, Liam!" 

He goes for Liam's chest, hitting him repeatedly, punctuating every punch with, "Hate me. Hate me. Hate me! Just fucking hate me, please!" 

Liam doesn't fight back. He does his best to simply find Louis' shoulders, trying to hold him at bay as Louis pummels away, repeating his mantra until his breath is coming in short gasps and he can barely get the words out. 

And then abruptly, as if a spell was cast, Louis breaks. Liam feels him go limp, as if Louis' body simply can't handle the pain tearing apart his soul. He crumbles to the floor in front of Liam, laughter replaced by sobs, shoulders heaving, head clutched in hands. In between sobs, Liam hears, "Just. Hate. Me."

He sinks down next to Louis, wrapping his arms around him. Louis clutches at his shirt, desperately trying to find something to hold on to. "I'm bad, Liam. I'm horrible. I'm the coward. He's gone. And he hates me. He hates me, Liam. And I did this. I made it this way. Because that's what I do, it's all I'm good for, making people hate me."

"I could never hate you, Lou." he rocks back and forth, matching the motion of Louis' muffled sobs. He lets his fingers find their way into Louis hair, stroking through it softly. "Never."

Liam carefully picks him up, Louis' arms wrap, around his neck and he carries him to the bed. He places him down gently on his side. Liam climbs onto the bed next to him, Louis is facing away so he tangles his arms around Louis waist. "Never, Lou."

The sobs slowly subside. Louis breathing calms. Liam lies there next to him, refusing to let go. The last thing Louis hears before he slips into sleep is a soft whisper. He would have sworn he imagined it if not for Liam's warm breath on his neck. 

"He could never either."


End file.
